Recently someone pointed out to me that I am trying to impress dead people. And they are right – in a sense. It certainly looks that way given the tone and subject of this blog so far. Yes, my recent goals have been centered on things connected to my dead son, Jacob. I strive to honour him with my life because of my love for him and in a sense, I’m trying to tie up loose ends.
Regardless of my motivation, it’s a good point. I have a living son, whom I love dearly and he’s simply amazing. (I am totally biased.) I feel so blessed to have him in my life and every moment with him is a gift, especially since I have experience being a parent than not being a parent. He needs me to be his Mommy. He’s here. He matters. He needs quality time with me. He needs me fully present and open to loving him. He needs me to be a good parent so that he can grow into the most amazing man.
However, to be that parent, I need be the best me I can be. And that means to live with the loss of Jacob in the best why I can. For me, that means adding purpose to my loss to make it bearable. It means seeking help when I need it. It means having a bad day and crying when I need to. It means challenging myself to do the hard work and delve into grief so it can be released. It also means I need to give back. Because Jacob died, I am now able to help others. I have experience, insight, and love to help others going through the same thing. That is not about focusing on the dead. It’s all about the living.
I am alive. I move between active grief and living with my loss like anyone else who’s lost someone close to them. I have unique hurdles when parenting after loss and so I seek the support of other parents who have lost children. We help each other.
I am truly grateful that someone called my attention to the potential to focus on Jacob too much. The scale can tip to “too much” when it takes time and attention away from my living son. I now have a mental guide because of that critical comment. I can use it to better determine my priorities. My boy is a priority and there’s not much in this world that I cherish more than being a mommy. I have learned it’s a privilege.
Focusing on the past takes away from the present moment as much as focusing too much on the future. I only have the present moment and I intend to make the best of it. I must choose wisely in deciding what I do, what I say, and with whom I spend my time.
Life is spectacular: full of wonder, energy, love, fun, and joy. It’s all the brighter having experienced the darkness. I cannot say I am grateful for my loss, yet I can see that something good can come out of it. I am planting the seeds of life in the earth of my loss. We will see what the harvest brings.
Originally published on www.meetingmichaelbuble.com.