Two things struck me today…
Other people go through the same things I go through. When I write about grief or my story, I cry and it hurts to go there. I worry that my mental health will suffer if I go there, so I’m torn between sharing and caring. Except not sharing isn’t really caring for me either. If I don’t get things out, I tend to get depressed. If I have a burning inside me to do something and I don’t do it, I create this horrible negative vortex in my head that I can easily get lost in. I wonder if others get lost there too.
Today (April 4, 2016) Vanessa McWilliams shared on her Facebook page that she keeps crying while editing her speech for May the Fourth presentation. What?!? This incredibly brave woman who is living with alopecia and doing amazing things that I admire is crying over her speech? Then why is she doing it? Should she be doing it? Yes, of course. She’s chosen to step forward and do what she needs to do.
It reminds me that I am still holding onto fear and not wholly listening to myself. I’m also not giving myself credit for my strength. I can do it. I can share. I can write. I can create. I can sell. I can believe. I am worthy. My story will help others. I will inspire others. It’s my heart song. I must listen and sing it to the world.
This also crossed my path today:
Perfect timing. I have been struggling with feeling alone. Feeling alone in everything I’m doing and not feeling connected. This is a phrase I hadn’t heard before, but it’s one like, “depression is anger turned inward” that can be a great big red flag for where I need to look (inside) to solve the issue. Both point to not listening to the voice within.
I had a big crying, feeling crappy freak out on Friday. So much had been building for weeks. I ended up having a good hour to myself locked in a small dark bathroom crying. I felt crazy and I so wanted my husband to come in and rescue me, but he didn’t. I was pissed about that, but by the time I was done, I was glad he hadn’t.
If he’d have come in, he would have stopped the process of me getting in touch with my hurts, worries, and finding my resolve and belief in myself to get through things.
No one can rescue you but you. It’s a hard, awful truth. I fight against it, often.
In those dark thoughts in the bathroom, I felt like quitting, disappearing, being invisible, running. I felt worthless, confused and desperate. But then I came to the realization I have a choice to make, one that I have to make every day. Show up or not? Keep going or give up?
I was reminded of a comment from Erin Kelly about how people who are in the crap are most likely about to break through and they just need to keep going and not give up. Those that succeed are those that keep trying and making tweaks along the way.
I resolved to stand up, brush off the dirt and try again.